| Author |
 Topic  |
|
Santanfara
3460 Posts |
 Posted - 15 Jun 2007 : 17:14:30
|
|
i was sadden yesterday . i read from the times online that a british woman may be of indain origin kill her own daughters for stubornness and lack of descipline. we are young but can the elders elaborate how to deal with and control teennage problems .here our sisters are welcome to enlighten us ,from bev ,anna ,meme ,sere and the male elders alhasan ,sab ,baldeh .let us give each other ideas on what to expect from our teenagers .it is only an option for you to share with us what can one do .jack have your say as well .
|
Surah- Ar-Rum 30-22
"And among His signs is the creation of heavens and the earth, and the difference of your languages and colours. verily, in that are indeed signs for men of sound knowledge." Qu'ran
www.suntoumana.blogspot.com |
|
|
anna
Netherlands
730 Posts |
Posted - 15 Jun 2007 : 18:41:03
|
Santanfara, what a sad story indeed. My children are already in their early thirties - but i can still remember schoolproblems (playing truant - my son) or boyfriendtroubles (my daughter sometimes being too easy). All these things have passed and they are two wonderful, hardworking and successful professionals now. I work as a teacher and have to deal with 16 - 20 year olds on a daily basis. Some of them have been totally ruined by their too indulgent (and mostly not very attentive, because too busy with their own careers) parents - but these are exceptions. The young men and women that i teach want to be treated with respect (they will treat you respectfully in return), they want you to let them know exactly how far they can go with you, what are your boundaries - because they need boundaries and consequent action when they are overstepping. But most of all, they want to have the feeling that you are genuinely interested in them, in their personal affairs and they demand of you that you act in a way that is giving them 'a good example'. Strict, but just - but always with warmth and personal attention. Adhering to the rules, but sometimes in special cases applying the rules in a little bit more flexible way.
It is not easy today - there are so many things influencing them, more than in the days that my children were teenagers. Some of my students have personal problems that i cannot even imagine, so overwhelmingly big! Especially the children that were born here, but from foreign (in my case mostly Moroccan or Turkish) parents who have never really adjusted to Dutch society.
Maybe this was the case with the Indian lady's daughters: these children are in between two very different cultures. At home almost nothing is allowed, and at school they find an atmosphere between students and teachers of equality and friendship.
I am sad for the girls but also of course for their mother, who will have to live on with this - one day she will realise she did the worst thing possible, perhaps out of ignorance or because the Indian community she lived in obliged her to. |
When an old African dies, it is as if a whole library has burnt down.
Amadou Hampate Ba (Mali) |
 |
|
|
Santanfara
3460 Posts |
Posted - 15 Jun 2007 : 20:42:54
|
anna , what a thoughful and insightful analysis. God bless you . the Birtsih members of bantaba can elaborate more on the mental state of the mum. the paper i read indicated that the two sisters are very close to each other ,the chids are also very active .the mother is a meddile class lady .but neigbours said she was a bit of a loner. this is sad indeed.one is 16 and the other is 13 years.
|
Surah- Ar-Rum 30-22
"And among His signs is the creation of heavens and the earth, and the difference of your languages and colours. verily, in that are indeed signs for men of sound knowledge." Qu'ran
www.suntoumana.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
Sister Omega
United Kingdom
2085 Posts |
Posted - 15 Jun 2007 : 22:35:18
|
I have three daughters in their early twenties and two teenage sons. Of course being an adolescent isn't easy for the teenager or the parent but as parents it's important for us to be able to reflect on ourselves and rememberhow it felt being a teenage and learn methods and strategies to deal with our teenagers in a constructive way. Any parent who has teenagers knows how rewarding and challenging they can be after all we are all individuals. That' primarily what#s happening at adolescence the transition from childhood to adulthood.
Unfortnately these two teenage sister will never be able to experience entering adulthood, leaving school / college, having a career, a family and neither will their mother be able to see and experience her daughter grow into women. This a tragegdy this mother will have to live with the rest of her life, and their father too.
No parent in their right mind would actually stab their daughters to death. It sounds like a case of diminished responsibilty me.
Peace
Sister Omega
|
Peace
Sister Omega |
Edited by - Sister Omega on 15 Jun 2007 22:38:56 |
|
|
|
gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 15 Jun 2007 : 22:48:41
|
In the Indian community there is an increase in honour killings when people kill their own children because they bring shame on the family.
To me this kind of thinking would be considered a mental illness, but in the indian and pakistani community it is often very calm and calculated and rational. They dont have diminished responsibilites, just very different values and expectations of women.
I believe that if these communities are living in the UK then they should be judged by UK cultural standards. SO for example in Uk it is not acceptable to murder your daughter because she falls in love with a man you dont approve of. If you act in this way in UK then the full weight of the law should fall on your shoulders. |
|
|
|
Sister Omega
United Kingdom
2085 Posts |
|
|
gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 16 Jun 2007 : 09:06:06
|
| No not stereotyping. Perhaps too strong a generalisation, and ifso I apologise, but honour killings and similar cases are on the increase in the UK. This case illustrates what I was trying to say. A difference between the expectations of the young generation to their parents. If she killed them because of their behaviours this is so sad. She needed more support to cope. It sounds has if she was isolated and depressed. Often those teenage years are full of turmoil and then things settle down. Everything passes and changes. Sometimes when we are in the middle of it we lose sight of that.It is a very sad story that illustrates the strain young people can be under trying to balance the needs of the home culture and the culture of their peers. |
|
|
|
anna
Netherlands
730 Posts |
Posted - 16 Jun 2007 : 09:36:17
|
| I read the link - it seems to me this is about a mother who allowed herself to be driven crazy by her two clever, adventurous and maybe a bit wild girls. She seemed unable to handle them. What a tragedy! |
When an old African dies, it is as if a whole library has burnt down.
Amadou Hampate Ba (Mali) |
|
|
|
gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 16 Jun 2007 : 09:42:46
|
Yes very very sad.  |
|
|
|
Santanfara
3460 Posts |
Posted - 17 Jun 2007 : 22:31:36
|
quote:
Originally posted by anna
I read the link - it seems to me this is about a mother who allowed herself to be driven crazy by her two clever, adventurous and maybe a bit wild girls. She seemed unable to handle them. What a tragedy!
thanks anna for the proper look at relevant cases. some people will always want to swift the abnormal to others without taking into consideration the actual issue we are discussing.
the tragedy cannot be overemphasis . i feel for the two little girls and the mother may be .some thing horrible most have gone wrong. |
Surah- Ar-Rum 30-22
"And among His signs is the creation of heavens and the earth, and the difference of your languages and colours. verily, in that are indeed signs for men of sound knowledge." Qu'ran
www.suntoumana.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 18 Jun 2007 : 15:41:04
|
This tragedy has nothing to do with honour killings. It seems as if this is just another example of an overexerted divorced mother.
It makes me think about the problems of divorce again. All children (maybe except of those who have been mistreated) suffer from the separation of their parents. Meanwhile I know so many neurotic, disordered divorce orphans. For the mother (or father) the situation is not better: She/he is left alone with the care for the children, and very often they suffer from economical problems.
Of course there can be very good reasons for divorce. But divorce for lesser reasons is irresponsible - and costly, in many senses. |
|
|
|
MeMe
United Kingdom
541 Posts |
Posted - 19 Jun 2007 : 11:24:55
|
Valid point, Serenata but what cost to the children of parents who don't/shouldn't be together but stay 'because of the children'? Believe me when I say that there are just as many neurotic, disordered non-divorce orphans!
While I applaud the freedom we currently enjoy (no more stigma attached to divorce or children born of parents who aren't/don't want to be married), I'm saddened to think that many people may say that this is what we deserve in the west because we've managed to break down family structure over past couple of decades.
However, I do think it's time to recognise that lone parents (all parents?)would profit from a proper support network in the way of affordable childcare, family-friendly working hours, protected annual leave, etc. Being a parent is the hardest yet most rewarding job in the world and it's sad that in this day and age it is often made more difficult by the pressures of cost of living, expectations (children and parents alike), access to all sorts of 'hidden dangers' like internet chat rooms, and often the lack of family support.
|
|
|
|
Babylon
Sweden
691 Posts |
Posted - 19 Jun 2007 : 13:06:14
|
I totally agree with you MeMe in every word you just said! Being a lone parent is very, very hard and these parents should have so much more support from the society.
I think staying married because of children is wrong! The children will not be happier in a home with two miserable parents who canīt stand eachother... A happy parent is a better parent which results in happier children as well. |
|
|
|
serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 19 Jun 2007 : 17:17:31
|
MeMe and Babylon, of course there are also lots of neurotics in 'traditional' marriages.
But please don't tell me that divorce is always the only way to handle a crisis in a relationship. I see that because divorce is easy, many people do it without even having tried to work on the problems which are inevitable even in the best relationship. For them, a relationship is per se 'perfect', or it is nothing.
I know too many cases of people who jump from one marriage to the next, repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Okay, everybody has the right to stay childish until he/she is old and grey. But maybe then he/she shouldn't have children. If such people (get me right: I don't think you both belong to this group) leave their disturbed breed to the care of the society, I have the right to say: No, thank you, this is not what I want to support. |
|
|
|
MeMe
United Kingdom
541 Posts |
Posted - 19 Jun 2007 : 17:44:43
|
Hmmmmm that's rather 'narrow' thinking, Serenata ... yes, there are those who jump from one relationship to another without giving it a thought but I'm sure there are also lots of people who get married and have children in good faith (ie they assume/intend the relationship will last)but end up disappointed and having to cope as a lone parent. There are also parents who are in a stable relationship who seem to let their children run riot, expecting society to pick up the pieces too, by the way .... let's not fall into the blame it on the lone parent trap here please  |
|
|
|
serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 19 Jun 2007 : 18:23:20
|
No, no, I don't want to blame the lone parents for all problems.
But it starts with the 'good faith' you mention: Being 'faithful' sounds a bit like leaving it to a higher power if your marriage is going to be successful...
I think a marriage needs more; it needs - yes, why not call it what it is - determination.
Maybe I am the same bullhead like my mother: She wanted a stable marriage, and she got a stable (and on the whole good) marriage - not from a 'higher power' but from the constant work she forced herself and my poor father to...  |
|
|
|
Topic |
|
Topic Locked
