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Babylon
Sweden
691 Posts |
 Posted - 19 Jun 2007 : 20:51:05
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Divorce should not be the first thing you do as soon as you get tired of your spouse, kick him out and then find a new one. That is not what I meant and I know there are people who leave eachother very easily for no particular reason and that is just foolishness in my book. I agree that one should fight and do everything to save the relationship first, maybe even try to forgive your man if he cheated on you once and he really regrets it, go to marriage counseling and all that.
But then there are those impossible marriages, like the ones where you grow apart from eachother and one day realize you donīt even know that person you are married to anymore. He is a total stranger, maybe has turned religious and you nolonger match him and his new perspective of life unless you convert (for his and the familys sake,not your own! which is just crazy) Abusive relationships and where one is drinking alcohol using drugs or both mental or physical abuse which is not a healthy environment for the children period.
I am a child from a abusive home myself and I still remember how very happy I was when my mother finally divorced my father. I was 8 years old and I felt an inner peace for the first time. No more yelling and screaming, I could sleep well every night.
So speaking from experience I know that sometimes divorce can be the best thing you ever did and the divorced parent should not be judged for that, especially by people who donīt know the whole story behind. |
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anna
Netherlands
730 Posts |
Posted - 20 Jun 2007 : 16:52:24
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Or maybe marriage is, as MeMe stated in the opinion poll, an outdated institution?
Well anyway, the girls' father must feel devastated - for losing his daughters and for letting his children's mother to cope on her own, which she clearly was incapable of. It is all guesswork, but children in this particular situation tend to make use of the divorce: setting up parents against each other. What's allowed by one parent, is prohibited by the other one. Very confusing. I read the father took his eldest to the pub - nothing wrong with that in principle, as long as he taught her what is normal for children her age. Was he trying to be 'the most popular parent'? They sound like a mixed-up family. For some reason i feel so sorry for the mother, her life took a nasty turn - i bet this was something she never thought possible. Again, what a tragedy. It shows how partners can devastate each others' lives, and in this case the children had to pay with their lives. |
When an old African dies, it is as if a whole library has burnt down.
Amadou Hampate Ba (Mali) |
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 20 Jun 2007 : 18:10:09
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Babylon, your story is really moving. No question that in a situation like the one you experienced in your childhood divorce is the only solution. As I said: There can be very good reasons for divorce. Another one is if one of the partners is an alcoholic or a drug addict. It is impossible to talk reasonably and to lead a normal life with someone who is intoxicated most of the time.
But please, can anybody tell me what to do with people of the type I mentioned before - people who make the same mistakes over and over again? Today a dear friend called me: Two years ago she was divorced from her third husband, a man who was a drunkard and an addicted masher. She married husband No. 4, and only now she finds out that this good man owns the same nice traits like his predecessor. This is unbelievable!! How can this happen???! Though I know it theoretically it remains a mystery to me  |
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 20 Jun 2007 : 19:39:51
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I think it is partly feeling safe with what you know already.
It is also if you dont change as a person then you will attract the same type of people.
My ex husband had an addictive personality. He is addicted to alcohol and pain killers. I was his carer and was used.
I have had to change to bring about differences in my life. I am very independent and live life more for the day and try to have some fun.
It is beyond me why people would get married for a 4th or 5th time!  Don't they learn anything? Or perhaps they are optimists that this one will be Mr Right?!
There is no such thing as Mr Perfect, but there are lots of nice men around. I think marriage is about compromise. At the moment I dont want to compromise anything in my life. It I met someone I really wanted to be with I would consider it. But I like my own space. Perhaps separate houses next door to each other would be a good idea?! 
2nd, 3rd, or 4th time around there is alot more to loose and give up.......... Is it worth it? It depends how much you want to be part of a couple and how nice the guy is.
Life is too short to put up with being treated badly, especially when there are no children involved.
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sab
United Kingdom
912 Posts |
Posted - 21 Jun 2007 : 15:32:34
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quote:
but honour killings and similar cases are on the increase in the UK.
Gambiabev, Do we have figures for these deaths in UK?
We know there are girls who get taken back to Asia who are not heard of again. What has not been researched is how many of the British girls who did not return could not - because they had been murdered.
Girls being taken back to Pakistan I believe is on the increase, but not so sure you are correct about the 'honour killings' in UK.
sab.
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The world would be a poorer place if it was peopled by children whose parents risked nothing in the cause of social justice, for fear of personal loss. (Joe Slovo - African revolutionary) |
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 21 Jun 2007 : 18:13:42
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quote:
Originally posted by gambiabev
It is also if you dont change as a person then you will attract the same type of people.
This is what I think. E.g. my friend, an attractive, educated, successful, 'classy' woman, is not willing to take the slightest look at her own dark sides. She simply denies them, and then she is shattered when they strike again... I never understood why she chose her actual husband; he is far below her standard. Not economically or from his education, but from his personality. I really like her, but I am going mad when I see this again and again... |
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