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tapalapa
United Kingdom
202 Posts |
 Posted - 30 May 2007 : 19:21:10
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Kondorong, you have misinterpreted what I was trying to get across.............
I didnt feel superior when I met my husband far from it..........I was only too aware about the financial situation and the power that money gives people. I tried to re dress this by supporting him to be financially independant- he had lots of opportunities in the UK but didnt take them.
We got divorced becaue he was agressive and violent. Not because I saw myself as superior from the onset !
Im just pointing out that we do not start off from a level playing field. This is a difficulty to be overcome......
Tapa
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kondorong
Gambia
4380 Posts |
Posted - 30 May 2007 : 19:23:57
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quote:
Originally posted by tapalapa
Im just pointing out that we do not start off from a level playing field. This is a difficulty to be overcome......
Tapa
Then craete a level playing field before consumating. In this social contract there has to be level playing field. Sorry |
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tapalapa
United Kingdom
202 Posts |
Posted - 30 May 2007 : 19:28:47
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Kondorong
yes, in hindsight I think we should take time to create this level playing field, and as the previous writer said- Live in Africa with your spouses.
I lived in Africa for 6 months and would love to live here again sometime.
Tapa |
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kondorong
Gambia
4380 Posts |
Posted - 30 May 2007 : 19:32:06
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| Your story is like the story of Lankule and Chief Baroka in the "Lion and the Jweel" by Wole Soyinka. Please buy this book. |
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anna
Netherlands
730 Posts |
Posted - 30 May 2007 : 19:34:05
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Kondorong, you're absolutely right - this is how it should be ideally. But it could also be that the African (why beat about the bush, we are talking about African men here) partner likes the idea of 'being taken care of'. Maybe both Tapalapa and Fee had a real partnership in mind, but came to the conclusion that their men didn't want to live up to the expectations. Also, let's be honest: especially in the beginning there is no question of 'equality' in the sense that the European partner is the one who is earning all the money, since her man is not allowed to work yet (not before they have the final permit, and a social security number). Believe me, it is only when both partners are earning income and the newcomer has had a chance to build up a life for himself (friends, a pattern to fill the days, go to school etc., coming home with stories of his own) that a real partnership can begin to grow. I don't mind confessing that i have had the experience that 'partnership' as we know it, doesn't come naturally to some African men. I mean, sharing the bills, the daily worries, taking over when the other person is too tired to even see straight etc. My Gambian partner told me this was not the way he was brought up. I am quite sure this is off-topic, so i will say no more. But i have some trouble with you putting the blame on Tapalapa and making it look like she treated her husband (why does everyone always want to get married??) as if he was a beggar, making the marriage hopeless from the start...
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When an old African dies, it is as if a whole library has burnt down.
Amadou Hampate Ba (Mali) |
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kondorong
Gambia
4380 Posts |
Posted - 30 May 2007 : 19:42:31
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quote:
Originally posted by anna
Kondorong, you're absolutely right - this is how it should be ideally. But it could also be that the African (why beat about the bush, we are talking about African men here) partner likes the idea of 'being taken care of'. Maybe both Tapalapa and Fee had a real partnership in mind, but came to the conclusion that their men didn't want to live up to the expectations. Also, let's be honest: especially in the beginning there is no question of 'equality' in the sense that the European partner is the one who is earning all the money, since her man is not allowed to work yet (not before they have the final permit, and a social security number). Believe me, it is only when both partners are earning income and the newcomer has had a chance to build up a life for himself (friends, a pattern to fill the days, go to school etc., coming home with stories of his own) that a real partnership can begin to grow. I don't mind confessing that i have had the experience that 'partnership' as we know it, doesn't come naturally to some African men. I mean, sharing the bills, the daily worries, taking over when the other person is too tired to even see straight etc. My Gambian partner told me this was not the way he was brought up. I am quite sure this is off-topic, so i will say no more. But i have some trouble with you putting the blame on Tapalapa and making it look like she treated her husband (why does everyone always want to get married??) as if he was a beggar, making the marriage hopeless from the start...
Institutions in Eurpoe have a profile of a male african only looking for greener pastures and thats why they are usually not allowed to work for sometime. The whole set up makes african men look like they are not capable of loving and this stigma can be very stressful. "He who feels it knows it"(Bob Marley) |
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anna
Netherlands
730 Posts |
Posted - 30 May 2007 : 19:53:45
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| I know most of Bob's lyrics, am confronted with them daily. Every foreigner coming in (Afghanistans, Turks, Americans, Vietnames, Africans etc) cannot work until all the papers are in perfect order, this is the law. |
When an old African dies, it is as if a whole library has burnt down.
Amadou Hampate Ba (Mali) |
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kondorong
Gambia
4380 Posts |
Posted - 30 May 2007 : 20:05:03
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quote:
Originally posted by anna
I know most of Bob's lyrics, am confronted with them daily. Every foreigner coming in (Afghanistans, Turks, Americans, Vietnames, Africans etc) cannot work until all the papers are in perfect order, this is the law.
Was it not a saying that the law is blind. I bet it opens one eye for others |
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 30 May 2007 : 20:28:19
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| Come on, Kondorong. I fully agree with you in your general view about marriage, and I suspect the fault is always on both sides. But I saw too many German-Gambian marriages following the same dramaturgy: A German/European woman marries a Gambian; he moves to Germany/Europe. After a while the Gambian starts complaining about his German wife. Everything she does is wrong. This goes on for a while, until, after three, four years, when the man has his permanent staying permit, they get divorced. The next step follows almost immediately : The good man goes to Gambia, marries a young wife, has a baby with her and takes both of them to Germany. I observed at least 10, 12 cases like this, and sorry, how else should I call this but 'methodical'? |
Edited by - serenata on 30 May 2007 20:29:58 |
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fee_sweetie
United Kingdom
127 Posts |
Posted - 30 May 2007 : 20:49:10
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Luckily my hubby is here on a 6 month EEA family permit and the permit automatically gets cancelled when the realtionship is no longer subsiting. hence the reason why i have contcted the immigration authorities, so they can take him back to the Gambia.
excuse my bad spelling........also just to point out im 24 and hubby is 28 |
"Religion is an insult to human dignity. Without it you'd have good people doing good things + evil people doing evil things but for good people to do evil things it takes religion"- Richard Dawkins |
Edited by - fee_sweetie on 30 May 2007 20:50:46 |
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kondorong
Gambia
4380 Posts |
Posted - 30 May 2007 : 21:11:25
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quote:
Originally posted by fee_sweetie
Luckily my hubby is here on a 6 month EEA family permit and the permit automatically gets cancelled when the realtionship is no longer subsiting. hence the reason why i have contcted the immigration authorities, so they can take him back to the Gambia.
excuse my bad spelling........also just to point out im 24 and hubby is 28
That is an exception to the rule. |
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 30 May 2007 : 21:16:17
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Mansasula it is usually the African men putting pressure on to get married and get to europe, not the other way round!
In the UK people come on visas and then disappear, thousands and thousands every year. Many come on student visas to study, many come on false marriages.
I think false marriage should be a very serious offence. It should be imprisonable, say 12 months and then return the person to their own country. It needs a deterrant.
I think most Gambian men that marry europeans do it as part of a 'game plan' that is very long term. Even if they give up ten years say, they can still go home, get married and have children from a much enhanced financial position at the expense of the white women they leave behind.
I believe in romantic love, and an equal marriage. But the more I read and understand about the gambian idea of marriage it is very different. I am very cynical and mistrusting about the whole thing.
I am sure there are some genuine guys that fall in love and want to be with their partner for life. But how do you decide which is which? It's difficult and dangerous.
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Babylon
Sweden
691 Posts |
Posted - 30 May 2007 : 21:52:24
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Bev, then why be with third world guys in the first place who you obviously canīt trust and must suspect all the time? You hear a story and you start thinking bad things about your partner and think he may be a crook too because he is a poor man from Gambia...
Why canīt you find a black man (if that is your preference) in your own country who already has a visa so you wont have to put up with all the sh? and then complain how all black men are like this or like that.
Dont blame others for your own mistakes and make it seem like black men are the crooks and you are the innocent women who gets played around with..
Itīs starting to smell like racist bs around here for real.
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mansasulu
997 Posts |
Posted - 30 May 2007 : 22:13:56
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The problem is that people don't respect the institution of marriage. On one hand, many european women go to africa and the third world in search of cheap and young blood and the other hand young and desperate yound man want to go to the west. They do not get married for the solemn reason of getting married.
If you truelly love African men, marry them and stay with them in Africa. Make that a condition and see how many will marry you? But you cannt take a family's bread winner and expect him to service you (excuse my language there) all the time and not benefit his family back home. I beileve this is where the conflict begins. |
"...Verily, in the remembrance of Allâh do hearts find rest..." Sura Al-Rad (Chapter 13, Verse 28)
...Gambian by birth, Muslim by the grace of Allah... |
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ABRAHAM
United Kingdom
25 Posts |
Posted - 30 May 2007 : 22:17:39
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| the main problem is that, many european women do not like you sending money to your family back home, they see that as not responsible. 5 to 6 of my friends divorce because there european women would not allow them to send money home. they tent to control there earnings, especially when a child is involve. the european feels that all your earning should be only for there child not the parents. we respect our families and like to look after them. we do not have nursing homes or residential care setting. the society expect evry body to look after there parents. i wil divorce any women who wants to control my earning especially when it comes to my parents. |
njie |
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