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njucks
Gambia
1131 Posts |
 Posted - 14 Nov 2006 : 19:36:00
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quote:
Originally posted by Eve
How are you guys making three women in yr heart at one time? this is what i will never believe in, i can't understand men with two to three wives, he will never be able to make both of them happy.[/i]
can you understand the women in these marriages. giving examples of shouting etc is as crazy as someone giving an example of household where they all get along.
what is difficult for you to understand is that it might be hard to think outside your European mindset.
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Babylon
Sweden
691 Posts |
Posted - 14 Nov 2006 : 20:46:43
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I´m soo glad my muslim man is of the opinion: "One woman one problem, two women two problems" But who knows, maybe he just says that to please me? 
And of course, because I´m such a dramaqueen, I had to ask him "What you mean one woman one problem?!!" Hahaa, poor guy. Hardly ever says anything right.
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 14 Nov 2006 : 21:24:01
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I meant it as a joke! Obviously the rules are man made and for the advantage of men!
Personally I see monogomy as the ideal in a realtionship.When men and women are considered equals they should have equal rights, or 'what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander!'
When someone has sex outside of their marriage then something has altered in the intimacy of the marriage that is very precious. Even if this is legitmised in Islam by polygamy the relationdship between the first wife and the husband is fundamentally altered by him having sex with someone else.
Monogomy isnt easy. It is full of trials and tribulations. But when it works it is the best for everyone. It provides security for children and love and intimacy for adults. Also, because generally less children willbe produced the family unit is more able to provide for those children.
Several fishermen at Tendaba have 4 wives and 20 children. IMAGINE THAT! How will they ever be anything but poor??! 
When women can own land, own property, inherit equally, use contraception and get an education the NEED for polygamy decreases dramatically. A women wont ut up with being seen as an asset of a man if she is educated. IMAGINE being married to one man, he dies, so you get passed on to his brother. Practical, you wont starve! But how sad to be treated like part of his goods.
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mbay
Germany
1007 Posts |
Posted - 15 Nov 2006 : 01:00:31
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SORRY SIS BUT HAVE YOU EVER LOOK AT YOUR VERY FINGERS ARE THEY THE SAME NO! RISE UP YOUR HEAD AND BRING IT DOWN ARE YOU SEEING THE SAME HEAVE CERNTAINLY NOT! IF YOU HAVE A BOY + GIRLS OR SEEING THEM IN YOUR DAILY LIFE GROWING UP TOGETHER YOU´LL NOT NEED TO ASK YOUR SELF ABOUT THIS QEUTIONS THESE ARE FEW SIGN FROM THE MOTHER NATURE -ALMIGHT GOD THAT WE ARE ALL HUMANS ONE BLOOD ONE FLASH AND ONE BURN BUT DEFERENT TYPE OF HEART DEFERENT TYPE BRAIN AND DEFERENT TYPE OF MIND WHAT ELSE?ETC AND ETC.
HEY PLEASE AVOID OF THINKING THAT I AM AGAINSING A WOMENS THAT IS TOTAL WRONG!
MORE MAY COME UP LATER.peace
quote:
Originally posted by gambiabev
I meant it as a joke! Obviously the rules are man made and for the advantage of men!
Personally I see monogomy as the ideal in a realtionship.When men and women are considered equals they should have equal rights, or 'what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander!'
When someone has sex outside of their marriage then something has altered in the intimacy of the marriage that is very precious. Even if this is legitmised in Islam by polygamy the relationdship between the first wife and the husband is fundamentally altered by him having sex with someone else.
Monogomy isnt easy. It is full of trials and tribulations. But when it works it is the best for everyone. It provides security for children and love and intimacy for adults. Also, because generally less children willbe produced the family unit is more able to provide for those children.
Several fishermen at Tendaba have 4 wives and 20 children. IMAGINE THAT! How will they ever be anything but poor??!
When women can own land, own property, inherit equally, use contraception and get an education the NEED for polygamy decreases dramatically. A women wont ut up with being seen as an asset of a man if she is educated. IMAGINE being married to one man, he dies, so you get passed on to his brother. Practical, you wont starve! But how sad to be treated like part of his goods.
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LEMON TIME
Afghanistan
1295 Posts |
Posted - 15 Nov 2006 : 04:00:31
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| I cannot understand you Mbay,where you writing in German? |
There is no god but Allah |
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mbay
Germany
1007 Posts |
Posted - 15 Nov 2006 : 08:23:08
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sorry for dat.i had beg your help but you ignored it.
quote:
Originally posted by LEMON TIME
I cannot understand you Mbay,where you writing in German?
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 15 Nov 2006 : 08:46:03
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I think he is saying men and women are different with different needs, so men should be allowed four wives!  
It'ssuch an old, old , sexist argument! Yawn, Yawn! |
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Eve
Gambia
344 Posts |
Posted - 15 Nov 2006 : 09:31:36
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quote:
Originally posted by gambiabev
I meant it as a joke! Obviously the rules are man made and for the advantage of men!
Personally I see monogomy as the ideal in a realtionship.When men and women are considered equals they should have equal rights, or 'what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander!'
When someone has sex outside of their marriage then something has altered in the intimacy of the marriage that is very precious. Even if this is legitmised in Islam by polygamy the relationdship between the first wife and the husband is fundamentally altered by him having sex with someone else.
Monogomy isnt easy. It is full of trials and tribulations. But when
it works it is the best for everyone. It provides security for
children and love and intimacy for adults. Also, because generally less children willbe produced the family unit is more able to provide for those children.
Several fishermen at Tendaba have 4 wives and 20 children. IMAGINE THAT! How will they ever be anything but poor??!
When women can own land, own property, inherit equally, use contraception and get an education the NEED for polygamy decreases dramatically. A women wont ut up with being seen as an asset of a man if she is educated. IMAGINE being married to one man, he dies, so you get passed on to his brother. Practical, you wont starve! But how sad to be treated like part of his goods.
Oh that idea is 2 bad, i hate that more, y passed to his brother? |
gambian |
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mbay
Germany
1007 Posts |
Posted - 15 Nov 2006 : 13:34:42
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Is good that you are thinking so and not being sure .
SIS No i didn’t means we are not equally in need .i see that you trying to get a wrong picture from me. Neither said i that men are allowed of having more wives but willing to do so. How ever that was never forbidding before so what allowance are you talking about? As i said that I have only one and that’s also my wish not that i simple cant do with two three but because i loves only her since sixteen years now (what for sure will not believe me about that)and she had fulfilled all my need of woman as partner as well as loves+ children’s with three boys one girl .but as i put it that all are not as me there is more reasons why one is doing so .one in Africa have his reasons , religions have its as well as some cultures too. anything’s have a reasons but if one is thinking this small talk we have in the West and believing that he/ her has a digress of all world best views of the fact (which is a common among us that the one who had fixed on school desk is the wise one among us. what a error! and self tong biting) and willing to change in another part of world should go ahead but at the end of the day will see that is just kidding her/him self and this is not only my mind but the realty!
quote:
Originally posted by gambiabev
I think he is saying men and women are different with different needs, so men should be allowed four wives!
It'ssuch an old, old , sexist argument! Yawn, Yawn!
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Sister Omega
United Kingdom
2085 Posts |
Posted - 15 Nov 2006 : 14:58:10
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Isn't it the case for many Gambian men to have two, three, or four wives comes down to religion and /or customs. In some cases these marriages arranged as soon as the child is born between friends who promised each other that their son would marry the others daughter. Maybe the parents both have different women in mind and neither parent has discussed the issue with each other, so the son ends up marrying two wives. Coupled with wife inhertiance when a brother dies another brother remarries his brother widow, and of course there are love marriages.
There are young girl's who are forced to marry old men out of family pressure. They can either age quite quickly looking older than their peers or turn their old man into a born again young man. Some men may take on wives in an attempt to salvage or spice up a failing marriage, if he doesn't want to divorce his wife or simply because his wife maybe playing away from home. However Gambian women have the right to divorce and aren't necessarily victims of circumstance. Some co-wives can get on extremely well and turn the situation to their advantage. others my fight all day and night. The question is can a man love them all the same? Some would say they will probably love one more and like the others. Then again this may change depending on whose turn it maybe that night.
Peace
Sister Omega |
Peace
Sister Omega |
Edited by - Sister Omega on 15 Nov 2006 15:00:20 |
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 15 Nov 2006 : 15:35:49
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quote:
Originally posted by gambiabev
Personally I see monogomy as the ideal in a realtionship.Monogomy isnt easy. It is full of trials and tribulations. But when it works it is the best for everyone.
That's why we Westerners invented 'serial monogamy' - a mixture of poly- and monogamy. It means being polygamous, but not at the same time. I think at present serial monogamy is the most frequent form of marriage... |
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jambo
3300 Posts |
Posted - 15 Nov 2006 : 17:31:30
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i have met a few co-wives in gambia and they respected each but i think their was a family link, ie the widow of husband brother.
But met one wife who saw off the second wife without hesitation, she told the husband that this was her home, let him find another house for the second wife silly man, two wives one roof, what was he thinking |
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anna
Netherlands
730 Posts |
Posted - 15 Nov 2006 : 18:45:48
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Isn't it also true that the women are dependent on the men mostly? (I am talking about the Gambian situation of course, before you will all start shouting at me)
Especially upcountry most of the women don't have a paid job, even though they work very hard on the ricefield - they don't have an income. When my partner's father died 35 years ago, his mother stayed behind with two young boys. She could go back to her parents' village, but she had to leave the boys in the father's family compound. Of course she chose to stay with her children. What is a woman with 2 young children to do if she cannot provide for herself or for the children? So she married her late husband's younger brother, who already had two wives. She told me there was never any love between them, but she had 9 children with this man. He died a few years back and now she is married to another 'brother' of her first husband (same father but not the same mother or the other way around, i sometimes lose track). They seem to have nothing to do with one another, don't live in the same house, but she is really taking care of this (very old) man, who has two other wives as well. Like bringing him food, washing clothes. I cannot see he provides for her in any way, she is totally dependent on her sons, mostly my partner.
I love my mother-in-law, she seems to me to be in her early 60s (she has no idea of her age, herself) and thinking of what her life has been really makes me sad. I think the only time she was happy and cared for, were the years she was married (out of love) to her first husband. He died suddenly after 6 years of marriage, the boys were 5 and 2.
I understood that it was 'not done' for a woman to live on her own without a husband (in name), even when she is past the childbearing age. |
When an old African dies, it is as if a whole library has burnt down.
Amadou Hampate Ba (Mali) |
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 15 Nov 2006 : 19:32:02
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Anna, it seems to be really problematic for a woman in Gambia to live without a husband. Economical dependency and probably even more the fear of losing one's reputation are strong motives for women to stay with a polygamous man.
Maybe polygamy is less problematic in an arranged marriage where the emotional tie is weaker than in a love marriage, which makes women less vulnerable.
If you come to Gambia as a western woman, you always trip up on polygamy; for most of us this form of marriage is irritating. First I thought: 'For Gambian women it is not a big thing; they are used to it; forget your western standards for a while'. But then I discovered the tensions under the smooth surface and saw that Gambian women very often feel exactly like we would do. I saw secret rivalries among the women; not so much about the husband's love but for the rights of their children. If the mother dies in a polygamous marriage it can be desastrous for her children. She is the one to protect them, not their father. Sorry, but this is what I saw. |
Edited by - serenata on 15 Nov 2006 19:36:49 |
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anna
Netherlands
730 Posts |
Posted - 15 Nov 2006 : 19:55:42
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| Serenata, who are you apologising to? Not to me, i hope - because i see it in exactly the same way as you do. I have also told myself to forget about my western idea of love and marriage. But when i talk to my partner's mother (he is in between us as an interpreter, and i sometimes see he hesitates to tell me what she wants to let me know - but he knows it is no use to hide anything, because we women would both feel it) i can see the love in her eyes when she tells me her first husband was the love of her life and the only true male friend she ever had. After that? I think she led the life of a servant and there was no way to escape. She had to live with a man who disliked her and who fiercely hated her two eldest children. Now my partner is providing for her, for her old 'husband' and for the youngest ones of the nine children his mother had with a man who mistreated him badly in his childhood. Even as i write this i could cry about it, wondering if it is a good idea to write about this here on this forum in the first place. |
When an old African dies, it is as if a whole library has burnt down.
Amadou Hampate Ba (Mali) |
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