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twinkly
United Kingdom
190 Posts |
 Posted - 01 Sep 2007 : 19:43:27
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Please help me to understand.
quote:
I had read something of bumsters and sexual tourism before my holiday and I was determined 'nothing like that' could or would ever happen to me. However, no one could have prepared me for, or warned me about, the emotional rollercoaster I found myself on.
But there is one; a totally gergeous, intelligent, sensitive, talented young man. He seems interested. We talk, eventually we meet on the beach at night, he brushes my back with his hand and I realise my feelings for him are overwhelming.
I tell him I have nothing to offer him. I am not rich, do not own my own home, do not even work due to my ill health............. He says simply 'I like you.
Maybe I should have left it there. Maybe I should never have had my little holiday romance. But it happened. Now what?
He tells me he loves me. I am totally and utterly in love with him. BUT! In the back of my mind I am thinking this is too good to be true.
His family want him to marry a local girl
I am jealous. I want to be the one he marries.
I have a respect for his religion, but I would never agree to convert to Islam
Nor can I give him children (though were it possible it would be my greatest desire), or ever hope to unite his family in the way a marriage to his cousin could.
Personally I'm with lily. I'm an adult I've made my own choices.
Life is short - too short to waste on bitter hatred and petty recriminations.
Do you think he is NOT after a ticket to Europe and will spend his whole life with you because he thinks you are special?
This is a serious question because I don't understand.
Or are you thinking that even a few years with him will be enough for you?
I just don't understand.
On one hand people know about the industry but do they really believe that this ONE man is different?
Please enlighten me....
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 01 Sep 2007 : 19:48:35
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| I suppose people are romantic and HOPE their story will be different. |
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twinkly
United Kingdom
190 Posts |
Posted - 02 Sep 2007 : 11:52:15
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I see...
Thank you
So in a way you can't blame the men because you all know the reality?
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 02 Sep 2007 : 13:38:11
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I didnt know the reality at the beginning. I do now. That is why it is finished. I won't take the risk of bringing him to UK.
Perhaps he is genuine and I have lost a good, kind man? Risk or regret. Two difficult choices. Neither is easy to live with.
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anna
Netherlands
730 Posts |
Posted - 02 Sep 2007 : 14:06:15
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| I'd rather regret something i did, than regret that i didn't dare do something that will perhaps haunt me for the rest of my days.............hope you'll catch my drift. |
When an old African dies, it is as if a whole library has burnt down.
Amadou Hampate Ba (Mali) |
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toubab1020
12311 Posts |
Posted - 02 Sep 2007 : 20:12:42
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quote:
Originally posted by anna
I'd rather regret something i did, than regret that i didn't dare do something that will perhaps haunt me for the rest of my days.............hope you'll catch my drift.
ANNA you never drift,I am sure!  |
"Simple is good" & I strongly dislike politics. You cannot defend the indefensible.
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 02 Sep 2007 : 20:16:41
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Anna advises different things at different times and now I am TOTALLY confused.
If I follow my heart I go to live in Gambia, marry the man and bring him back to UK. Risking loosing my family.
If I follow my head I say you stupid middle aged white women with a mid life crisis. What would he see in you? You have heard all the stories about the failures, that will be you in a few years. DONT DO IT!
Everytime I hear his voice I just want to be with him. OH DEAR!  |
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anna
Netherlands
730 Posts |
Posted - 02 Sep 2007 : 22:36:05
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Gambiabev, anna does not advise different things at different times at all! In this case, i didn't even advise in the first place. Whyever should i and whatever do you need advice for? You made a remark about 'risk and regret being situations that are difficult to live with' and i told you that i would rather regret instead of being haunted by some plan 'that might have changed your life for the better' (or not, but hey ho..).
Bev, i am amazed and irritated by your posting. If you had read all my former postings on the subject on Gambian/European relationships (why is it necessary to discuss this subject again and again?) with attention, you should know that i am a middle aged white woman myself and that i live with much younger Gambian man. So, i took 'the risk' (?). I lost friends, money, a beautiful house and a secure future. I had to fight my family's prejudices. But i am happy with the choice i made. It was not always easy, but my man and i are in a very loving, harmonious relationship and my children and my mother have grown fond of my partner over the years. It would be impossible that i would ever 'advise' anybody not to follow their hearts.
But......it is not easy and if you are the type of woman who is afraid of negative reactions from others or who is uncomfortable with uncertain finances or you don't like people staring at the two of you: cut it out (this is 'advice'), because these are the things you'll have to deal with.
I am totally satisfied in my life as it is at the moment, but i looked very carefully before i leapt. And also, my man never once told me a lie or a story to make himself more 'important'.
Will this man never leave me? He might, who knows............
Will i ever leave this man? I might, who knows...............
Bev, stop swinging from here to there (this is a request) - it's getting pathetic.
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When an old African dies, it is as if a whole library has burnt down.
Amadou Hampate Ba (Mali) |
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 03 Sep 2007 : 08:11:26
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Anna, I am glad it has worked for you. I hope you have many happy years together.
As you said the difference is you were never lied to, so you could be confident of your man.
I go back to work today after the summer holidays. My mind is going to be full of other things and I will be busy with the pupils.
Bantaba and my thoughts on Gambia will take a back seat for a while, so you will get a rest from me Anna. |
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anna
Netherlands
730 Posts |
Posted - 03 Sep 2007 : 08:28:16
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| Have a nice day at work! For me this is the first day of the new schoolyear also - the whole circus will start again in an hour........ :-( |
When an old African dies, it is as if a whole library has burnt down.
Amadou Hampate Ba (Mali) |
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leokat
United Kingdom
123 Posts |
Posted - 03 Sep 2007 : 13:11:05
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[quote]Originally posted by twinkly
Please help me to understand.
Ok Twinkly I will try.
Firstly, yes I do believe I am 'special' - I believe that every single human being is special. Each has his or her own unique set of talents and abilities.
As to whether or not I am special to my Gambian boyfriend - that is for him to answer. I am not psychic. I do not see inside his mind. However, he makes me feel special - listened to , cared about, respected, and loved (even in the short time I have been typing this he has texted me to ask if I have had a good night and I have received a letter from him!). These are the things that matter to me.
And would an African wife necessarily be any more special to him? The alternative my man's family has presented him with is to marry a teenage virgin he barely knows and does not love. Would he not simply be marrying in order to fulfil family, religious, and cultural obligations?
...and will spend his whole life with you ...?
Whole life? Who mentioned 'whole life'????? I am nineteen years his elder and hope and pray that, by the mercy of God, he will have many years of happy life after I am no longer here.
Do you think he is NOT after a ticket to Europe(?)
From me specifically? I have no idea. So far, our relationship has not reached the stage where we need to discuss this. What he wanted was for me to live with him in The Gambia but, for the reasons I outlined (and others to do with my health), this is not possible.
On a more general level, yes, like so many young Gambians, he has long dreamed of a new life in The West. But he is in no hurry. He has responsibilities. Besides, my man does have morals and does not want that future to be with just anyone. As I said in my posting - if he were to marry me and move to England I believe he would give it his best shot.
... Or are you thinking that even a few years with him will be enough for you?
You will notice that, in my original posting, I mention I am a widow. When I married my husband I knew that he was not a well man and that he would probably never make 'old bones'. But I loved him so I married him. There are no guarantees in this life. No, The few years I spent with my husband were not enough for me. A thousand years would not have been enough, and the pain when he died was unbearable. But would I have missed a single moment spent with him? No - NEVER. So as anna says - maybe he would leave me. Maybe I would leave him. Who knows? All that is important is am I (are we) prepared to take the risk?
On one hand people know about the industry but do they really believe that this ONE man is different?
Maybe it is not he who is different but me?  More probably it is we as a couple who are different.
The point I was trying (perhaps unsuccessfully) to make in my posting is that any subsequent marriage to an African woman would not necessarily be better or easier than his marriage to me.
My man is a 21ST century African. He wears many layers and walks many paths. |
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twinkly
United Kingdom
190 Posts |
Posted - 03 Sep 2007 : 14:49:22
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Thanks Leocat
I am lost for words |
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LEMON TIME
Afghanistan
1295 Posts |
Posted - 13 Sep 2007 : 04:01:09
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| AS i said you have your toy boy to please you,on the other hand he gain a passport to Europe its a 50/50 game. |
There is no god but Allah |
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amybamey1970
USA
3 Posts |
Posted - 13 Sep 2007 : 07:22:37
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| Whew, quite interesting to read the various comments ... What we miss here is whether or not the people involved in these marriages have enough cultural understanding of each other?? culture, language-some lost in translation- I am a hopeless romantic but, I hope for the sake of the couples in question that their decision to marry has been long in the making. Relationships are hard work. marriage is not for whimps- Compromise and communication are soooo important- as well as cultural understanding. Not what others think about your choices- I am a worldly American who married a worldly European but, we were still challanged by these differences. IT ALWAYS TAKES TWO TO MAKE IT WORK! (no he didn't marry me for citizenship but, he did marry previously for a green card-and it was understood from the begining- ( we are now divorced) lol] Ha!- to each his/her own????? |
Edited by - amybamey1970 on 13 Sep 2007 08:56:24 |
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jambo
3300 Posts |
Posted - 13 Sep 2007 : 10:26:07
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to all those considering a relationship with a gambian plese consider them in your plans. look at this posting and others. instead of "getting them a visa" and not being sure if "thats all they want" why not help them to be educated in Gambia, or buy a business. I have seen many relationship were the european has settled in gambia and they are happy, it could be motel, taxi, import/export something that brings in a income. one paid for a course at GTTI, result one educated person, happy, respected, in a job, paying bills and being in an a good relationship. It is not all about being in Europe, if they push to come to europe ask yourself why, if they had the option of staying in gambia and supporting family i do believe a high percentage would stay. Just a thought.
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