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Santanfara
3460 Posts |
 Posted - 01 Jun 2007 : 21:06:51
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well well ,fee sweety can we say you have find the answers you where looking for ? may God provide comfort for you and every other person .
i always try to come from the islamic point of view . my observation is that many gambian western marriage starts from the wrong footing .but there genuine love relationship between gambian men and western women. i have seen quiet a lot of it . however , there some gambian men who have a wrong motive for marrying a european woman .number one reason is paper .in the islamic view point this is haram or forbind .if the man real intention is just paper and then make the relationship unworkable he has committed a grave sin .some scholars even say he has not married all along .marriage should be for life ,but if unmediatted issues arise that remder the relationship irreconcilable then that is natural .devorce is allow in islam. but to plan ahead is wrong .
fee sweety take it easy and consider it a learning curve .it is a painful learning curve though.
i was talking with a libyan man just last week who married a hindu woman from india ,and this man is only 41 ,the woman is 50 but she looks good and he love her .this man don't need any paper from the lady .this is what most men should do .if the man don't have residence paper ,with time love will make wife try to sort his residence . the man need to remember his responsibility to his child .i have an email friend in america a woman who devorced with her husband but this lady is extra-ordinary ,she still was actively looking for gambian communitee to make her daughter know her father side eventhough this woman don't know where the father is . when i show her plead for help i started comunicating with her for over one year now .i provided the address of gambian associations in america.
we as gambian's should remember that our COLLECTIVE IMAGE IS VERY IMPORTANT .fee ,take care .if you want to make your child be intouch with some gambian's please just private mail me .may god give you strenght. one question, is the marriage over yet or not ? can some one try to put some sense in the man ? any way good luck. |
Surah- Ar-Rum 30-22
"And among His signs is the creation of heavens and the earth, and the difference of your languages and colours. verily, in that are indeed signs for men of sound knowledge." Qu'ran
www.suntoumana.blogspot.com |
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concort
365 Posts |
Posted - 01 Jun 2007 : 22:16:48
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Fee Sweetie, I'm pretty sure that you feel betrayed, played etc...however, if the relationship could be salvaged, please consider the following:
1. Try counciling with your ex and ponder over the root cause of your problems.
2. For the sake of your child, maintain an open line of communication with him including supervised visitations when necessary.
3. If you have been in contact in the past with his family members back in The Gambia (especially his parents), continue the dialogue. Believe me, they may very well be your best life line to assist you in this ordeal. Africans are family-oriented and I'm sure his parents wouldn't want to turn their backs on their own blood.
4. Avoid fights of all sort between the two of you in front of your child...just walk away when things start getting heated up.
5. All marriages, relationships come with the good, the bad and the ugly. My advise to you is to try and mend your marriage if poosible...don't shut the door completely close as of yet. Give it another try with only this time, the so-called "leveled playing field" won't be an issue, assuming he's still in the UK with a job. God bless you!!
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As Salamu Alaikum Waramatullah Wabarakatu |
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anna
Netherlands
730 Posts |
Posted - 01 Jun 2007 : 22:24:08
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| Kayatta, Santanfara and Concort: i am sure Fee will be as touched by your constructive contributions as i am - thanks guys! |
When an old African dies, it is as if a whole library has burnt down.
Amadou Hampate Ba (Mali) |
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LEMON TIME
Afghanistan
1295 Posts |
Posted - 01 Jun 2007 : 22:29:42
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| I love people on Bantaba as we are all helpful to another. |
There is no god but Allah |
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fee_sweetie
United Kingdom
127 Posts |
Posted - 02 Jun 2007 : 09:47:47
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yeah thanks for everyones comments....I have a lot to think through and sort out.......I'll let u know how it goes.
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"Religion is an insult to human dignity. Without it you'd have good people doing good things + evil people doing evil things but for good people to do evil things it takes religion"- Richard Dawkins |
Edited by - fee_sweetie on 02 Jun 2007 09:48:13 |
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kobo
United Kingdom
7765 Posts |
Posted - 02 Jun 2007 : 11:57:19
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quote:
Originally posted by fee_sweetie
yeah thanks for everyones comments....I have a lot to think through and sort out.......I'll let u know how it goes.
Don't forget to think about giving the relationship another lease of life. Hopefully through counselleng and even allowing your partner to visit this website and analyse the contributions to reconcile all mis-understandings, differences of belief, culture and romantic relationships. Hopefully if he is exposed to this topic it could help him sort it out with you. Forget about materialism, visa issues and rediscover LOVE and a healthy relationship.
QUOTES OF THE DAY (from ANNA and endorsed by Seranat!)
"Though, in general i should say: you cannot 'deserve' love, you are either loved or not loved (no matter how hard you try for the partner)."
"I agree, Anna. And let me add: It is my decision to love or not. I am responsible for my feelngs - not my partner. Sounds hard, but that's how it is... The other way round it means I can love someone, and he/she can do nothing about it! " 
Good luck! |
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jambo
3300 Posts |
Posted - 02 Jun 2007 : 12:42:18
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fee sweetie, once agan bantaba members have given food for thought, i must agree with keeping aline of communication open with the gambian side of the family, because that is what they re to you child family. they held the key to heritage, do not close that. if your partner is nto interested let go because youwill re act angrily. if possible arrange to go to gambia with your child while he is a baby, arrange a naming ceremony, meet the family take pictures. it will be a great day. Let them see him, this side is important. If the relationship is dead so be it, BUT OUT OF ASHES RISES A NE PHOENIX
that is your child enjoy the weekend. |
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fee_sweetie
United Kingdom
127 Posts |
Posted - 02 Jun 2007 : 18:18:03
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| Thanks again for all your well wishes and great comments...I will defo keep the lines of communiction open in the Gambia, I have many friends there, including my husbands family. I took my son there in March this year, he had a fantastic time, we didnt have a naming ceremony but we have lots of photos with him and his many cousins, aunties, uncles, grandparents etc.....they instantly fell in love with him, and we have loads of happy memories....... i will never stop taking him to the gambia, I want him to know about his heritage and will keep taking him there until hes old enough to make the trip himself ( so i think there is still many trips ahead since he is only 9 months old, haha) |
"Religion is an insult to human dignity. Without it you'd have good people doing good things + evil people doing evil things but for good people to do evil things it takes religion"- Richard Dawkins |
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Eve
Gambia
344 Posts |
Posted - 03 Jun 2007 : 22:06:12
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quote:
Originally posted by fee_sweetie
thanks for all ure concerns.......
Im dutch national but have been living in the UK for over 15 years. We were together for 2 years and got married march 2007, so not married long. Luckly we dont have any assets, bank account etc together, so there is nothing to fight for. He is also not on my sons birth certificate.
Sadly he is not interested in our son and has done nothing for him and has only seen him for a total of 3 weeks.( he is only 9 months old)
It has come to my attention that his plan all along was to leave us as soon as he arrived here......
Luckly my son is too young to be affected by this and has a mummy and oma that love him and will support and take care of him for the rest of his life.
Am so sorry about that, but maybe you have to sit together and talk about the matter as you got child together, the child might be very important for him to just let go like that, i wish u all the best. |
gambian |
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Eve
Gambia
344 Posts |
Posted - 07 Jun 2007 : 13:20:49
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quote:
Originally posted by ABRAHAM
the main problem is that, many european women do not like you sending money to your family back home, they see that as not responsible. 5 to 6 of my friends divorce because there european women would not allow them to send money home. they tent to control there earnings, especially when a child is involve. the european feels that all your earning should be only for there child not the parents. we respect our families and like to look after them. we do not have nursing homes or residential care setting. the society expect evry body to look after there parents. i wil divorce any women who wants to control my earning especially when it comes to my parents.
I can get your point, not only the guys, i think it's a big problem for all europeans, they don't know how to give. |
gambian |
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jambo
3300 Posts |
Posted - 07 Jun 2007 : 13:55:21
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"because their european women would not allow them to send money back home" did anyone discuss this before they married. NO,  THATS WHY DIVORCE HAPPENS, people who marry outside of their cultural normal should put their point across before hand, this goes for europeans and africans. State what is expected before and then decide if you want to go ahead. If you hae expectations from the family that will affect the life you have you should say so.
abraham, i quote wil divorce any women who wants to control my earning especially when it comes to my parents. i would assume from that statment you would not marry the woman in the first instance. so the question of divorce for this reason should not arise.
THINK ABOUT, MARRIAGE IS COMMITMENT OF TWO PEOPLE. people should know who they are marrying, conversation is a good thing
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tapalapa
United Kingdom
202 Posts |
Posted - 07 Jun 2007 : 14:17:16
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There are some very wise words being said about marriage- In hindsight I wish I would have discussed all the expectations on both sides, but I doubt I would have been told the truth.
I just felt pushed into it and brainwashed. As I said before, I would not have married my husband if he was a resident in the UK or if he was free to travel. All people should be free to travel whenever they want to.
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electric
United Kingdom
28 Posts |
Posted - 07 Jun 2007 : 18:58:13
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Tapalapa, i think you have raised a very interesting point...that 'all people should be free to travel whenever they want to'.
In the West they talk about freedom of expression, freedom of the press and so on BUT not the freedom to or from their countries. I bet if there was that freedom of movement around the world, it would've been a fantastic place in. I think there would have been less problems in the world in my opinion. Human trafficking would have been less prevalent and illegal immigration which is one of Britains biggest problems today would have been probably avoided.
What do you think
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 07 Jun 2007 : 19:11:32
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People being free to migrate around the world is a good ideal. But the countries need to be able to plan their economics around the numbers they are dealing with. To start with this would be difficult, but then probably would stabalise.
If people were free to travel then there would be no need of a 'black' economy and therefore more tax and insurance would be paid to support the system.
If you could move anywhere in the world to live where would you like to live? In my fantasy world I would spend most of my time in UK, some in Italy, some in Gambia and some in USA. My work and family are here and I have financial restrictions over what is possible, but perhaps one day! |
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toubab1020
12311 Posts |
Posted - 07 Jun 2007 : 21:22:56
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I bet Gordon Brown (UK)chancellor wouldn't like that how could he tax people if they had free travel!!
Oh dear I have done it again,this was meant to be a  in cheek comment.As Gordon Brown introduced a stealth tax called Air passenger duty which made airlines collect £40 each way for flights to Gambia,he had already taxed travel insurance meaning that travel was much more expensive.(Free travel dosn't exist )sorry if I confused people.
quote:
Originally posted by electric
Tapalapa, i think you have raised a very interesting point...that 'all people should be free to travel whenever they want to'.
In the West they talk about freedom of expression, freedom of the press and so on BUT not the freedom to or from their countries. I bet if there was that freedom of movement around the world, it would've been a fantastic place in. I think there would have been less problems in the world in my opinion. Human trafficking would have been less prevalent and illegal immigration which is one of Britains biggest problems today would have been probably avoided.
What do you think
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"Simple is good" & I strongly dislike politics. You cannot defend the indefensible.
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Edited by - toubab1020 on 08 Jun 2007 00:08:52 |
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