 |
|
| Author |
 Topic  |
|
molly75
United Kingdom
86 Posts |
 Posted - 06 May 2007 : 18:13:27
|
|
I just wanted to ask people on the bantaba if they think relationships between gambians and europeans are a good idea??? I'm in love with a gambian man, but all my friends here in the uk think im crazy to even consider any sort of serious relationship with someone i met on holiday. They tell me that he just wants to come to the UK and will leave me once he has got what he wants. I really don't know what to think??? HELP!!!!
|
|
|
Ramou
90 Posts |
Posted - 06 May 2007 : 18:42:16
|
Your first question could have been better stated (asked)! That said, relationships between the rich and poor, in most cases, raises a lot of questions (concern) from friends, family be it between Europeans and Africans or between different "classes" of Europeans. I think Gambiabev is the resident expert on such issues, and I trust she will advise you accordingly. Mine would be to take your time; and proceed with caution!
Thanks!
Ramou
quote:
Originally posted by molly75
I just wanted to ask people on the bantaba if they think relationships between gambians and europeans are a good idea??? I'm in love with a gambian man, but all my friends here in the uk think im crazy to even consider any sort of serious relationship with someone i met on holiday. They tell me that he just wants to come to the UK and will leave me once he has got what he wants. I really don't know what to think??? HELP!!!!
|
Edited by - Ramou on 06 May 2007 18:58:02 |
 |
|
|
gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 06 May 2007 : 19:59:16
|
Oh Dear!!! Is that my reputation?!  
Well all I can say is it's not easy.
I am 46 and I have a Gambian man who is about 30 interested in me. I have known him for 4 years.
I would like to marry him and have Gambia as a strong part of my life. I love him and I love Gambia!
I risk loosing my family over it. My mum is a racist and thinks I should stop going to Gambia and giving away my money.( I sponosor some children).
I had a letter last week from my Gambian guy full of love for me. He says he will wait for me, no pressure. He hopes my family will come round given time.(I'm not so sure). He is thrilled at the idea of me doing VSO and living in Gambia. That made me happy, because it looks as if he wants to be with me for me, rather than as a meal ticket for UK. He is happy in Gambia, he has a job.
Noone wants to be made a fool of, especially an old fool!
I am careful by nature, many women have married Gambians in a much shorter time and have lived to regret it.
My Gambian guy is a good guy. He is well respected and hard working. He is brilliant with children, which I am a ****** for!  He loves his mum and his good to her. They are so close.
If my parents were dead (an awful thing to say I know....but I am trying to be honest) I would be on the first plane over there and I would marry him. My parents opinion still matters to me. If I marry and it goes wrong they will be quick to say I told you so!
I am moving house soon to down size. I was going to buy a very small house to give me money to buy land in Gambia. I have decided against that. I am moving to a smaller house, but not tiny. All my money will be spoken for. That should test my Gambian man and should reassure my parents.
I won't have spare money to give away. I will hopefully afford two holidays a year to Gambia on a tight budget.
Long term I want to be with him more of the time.
How do I get my parents to accept this? |
|
|
|
anna
Netherlands
730 Posts |
Posted - 07 May 2007 : 10:49:18
|
Your PARENTS??? Amazing.......
Until what age are you busy trying to meet your parents' expectations?
I would say your children's opinion matters more.
Anyway, we discussed this at length some months ago.
Molly, Ramou's advice to take your time is a good one. Go to the Gambia as often as you can and try to find out what kind of person you are dealing with. In case of doubt, cut it out (as they say). |
When an old African dies, it is as if a whole library has burnt down.
Amadou Hampate Ba (Mali) |
|
|
|
molly75
United Kingdom
86 Posts |
Posted - 07 May 2007 : 11:44:41
|
GambiaBev i really hope that you find a solution to your relationship problems, as i know how frustrating it can be when people do not agree with your relationship. You say that many people jump into a relationship with gambians and end up regretting it, but do you think you would regret it if you let this man go?? That is what i am worried about in my own situation.
Ramu and Anna thanks for the advice about taking it slowly and with caution. I have known this man for almost 3 years and travel to gambia about 3 or 4 times a year. But its only in the last 6 months that i have considered being with him more permanently. |
|
|
|
inez
279 Posts |
Posted - 07 May 2007 : 13:21:06
|
quote:
Originally posted by molly75
I just wanted to ask people on the bantaba if they think relationships between gambians and europeans are a good idea??? I'm in love with a gambian man, but all my friends here in the uk think im crazy to even consider any sort of serious relationship with someone i met on holiday. They tell me that he just wants to come to the UK and will leave me once he has got what he wants. I really don't know what to think??? HELP!!!!
Hi Molly, I read in your later posting that you know this man since few years back and you meet him several times a year. I think that by this time you have to know what kind of man he is and if the realtionship could work in UK? Maybe you need to try to live in Gambia for a longer period and see how it goes.
Bev, If I had listen to my parents about my life choises, I would be married to a farmer very closed to my parents housejust because he had really nice farm with plenty of modern stuff which my father really wanted to get a change to use sometimesthat was not my idea of life so I didnīt do it. And believe me, racist parents will change there minds when they get a change to really know the person you love.
For both of you, if you are afraid of what people will say or think about your relationship, then it might not be a good idea to have the relationship since that is something you will be facing rest of your life. I have noticed that if you are together or married with african man, everybody (even total strangers) believe they have a right to ask you very private questions about your man and your life together with him. I have learned to ask them to tell me first those things in their own marriages or about there own men...believe me, it works But the fact is, you have to be strong abd ready to meet racism from both sides. |
|
|
|
gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 07 May 2007 : 14:29:25
|
Inez thanks for that.
My parents are worried that I will go and live in Gambia and I will never see them again, or that something terrible will happen to me there.
Or they are worried that he will come here, take advantage of my good nature and then run off and abandon me.
They live in a sort of 1950's time warp where what the neighbours think is very important and they think it will 'ruin' me.
My parents are divorced from each other and both don't have a partner, so I suppose I am more important to them than would be otherwise. |
|
|
|
gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 07 May 2007 : 14:31:58
|
My parents would like me to be married to a bank manager or accountant who doesnt smoke or drink and lives close to them in Leicester. He will be a white christian too! Modest and moderate, conservative in every way.
Sadly this imaginary husband would bore me to death!! |
|
|
|
anna
Netherlands
730 Posts |
Posted - 07 May 2007 : 16:01:17
|
Oh Bev, i know exactly what you mean. You are forgetting another aspect even: this ideal husband of yours should be a few years older than you. At least, this is the thing my mother is going on about again and again. Both my sister and i have African partners a good deal younger than we, and my mother is sure we did it on purpose to give her a hard life. But it is starting to become some kind of gimmick: everytime we are together as a family, the first 15 minutes my mum will start talking about this (and we are laughing and laughing, my sister and i pointing out to her how convenient it will be to have a relatively young husband when we get old and the rollator has to be folded and put in the car etc.), then she talks for about 15 min. about how my partner would look even better if only he cut his dreads and he smiles at her and tells her that one day he will.....
And then it's over, everything she wanted to say has been said again, and she starts telling her two black sons-in-law about 'the old days', when we were little girls or about our first boyfriends or about her own youth etc. They hang on her very lips and they love her, even though she talks to them in a way that i find a bit insulting sometimes (i know she doesn't do it on purpose): extra loud and extra slowly, using simple sentences as if they are not very clever (my brother-in-law has a university degree). My mum doesn't speak English, and she cannot imagine these guys will ever be able to speak good Dutch. My sister and i wink at each other from time to time and we all take part in the 'play'...
Having a younger partner will cause people to stare at you though, even more so when he is black and looking rather wild. But these days i am not bothered with it anymore, i am used to it.
Molly, have you considered inviting your friend over for a holiday in the UK? It might be a way to find out if living together could be successful. Believe me, living together peacefully in the Gambia is much easier than living together in your European situation, especially when you working or wanting to do your own things and your friend is left to his own devices. It is good to see how he copes, and if he will take initiatives instead of 'claiming' you all the time.
Good luck!! |
When an old African dies, it is as if a whole library has burnt down.
Amadou Hampate Ba (Mali) |
|
|
|
gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 07 May 2007 : 18:03:35
|
| Anna, you sound like good fun! How often do you get out to Gambia? |
|
|
|
anna
Netherlands
730 Posts |
Posted - 07 May 2007 : 21:24:55
|
Good fun? Forget it, Bev - ask my students!
I was in the Gambia 7 times (2 times for a longer stay, like 7 weeks) before i invited my partner to come over here on a tourist visa. He stayed here for 2 months in 2005. He has been here since April 2006 on a residence permit, now valid until 2010.
But let me tell you something: we're flying to the Gambia next Friday! Sadly, only for one week, because i only have a one week's schoolholiday. I saw a nice special offer coming by: 298 euros p.p., in Palm Beach. The first time to fly there together, and coming back together again. Also the first time in a hotel, but i don't care much. You can put me anywhere there, as long as they have a flush toilet! |
When an old African dies, it is as if a whole library has burnt down.
Amadou Hampate Ba (Mali) |
|
|
|
Santanfara
3460 Posts |
Posted - 08 May 2007 : 00:05:36
|
quote:
Originally posted by gambiabev
My parents would like me to be married to a bank manager or accountant who doesnt smoke or drink and lives close to them in Leicester. He will be a white christian too! Modest and moderate, conservative in every way.
Sadly this imaginary husband would bore me to death!!
bev ,now you touch me their. many accountants nowadays aren't boring . am not white but we all have similar problems with our parents . i was faced with similar situation eventhough my wife to be is african but my uncles wanted me to marry another of there family friend which i catagorically reject. there are times in ones life when no one should matter but your self and marriage choice is one of that.
some gambian men too faced the same situations their parents find it hard to come to terms with the son's or daughter's choice of partner. but this is natural ,there is suspision is difference . love should be able to conquere all negative verbs but as inez said if you are not ready for the bumper ride don't get into it. we just consul a gambian brother not long ago whose marriage to an english lady broke down because her adopted son and daughter don't accept her choice of husband. the lady's ex-husband play with mind of this children not to accept this man .so she took the side of the adopted children and devorce the husband after 5 years together . this man was devastated . he told me last week that he is going back to gambia for six months to clear his head. some times it can be difficult. |
Surah- Ar-Rum 30-22
"And among His signs is the creation of heavens and the earth, and the difference of your languages and colours. verily, in that are indeed signs for men of sound knowledge." Qu'ran
www.suntoumana.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
toubab1020
12309 Posts |
Posted - 08 May 2007 : 11:54:43
|
| Santanfara,you are a very brave man posting here,me? I am not sa brave staying right out,remember, Men are from Mars women are from Venus!!!!! |
"Simple is good" & I strongly dislike politics. You cannot defend the indefensible.
|
|
|
|
inez
279 Posts |
Posted - 08 May 2007 : 11:59:29
|
Itīs really funny to see how similar all the parents all over the world act and that only because they want the very best for their kids...or what they believe is the very best. Somehow they do accept our choises after some time, maybe because they have learned something new or they donīt want to push their children away or just because they see us happy. Then is sometimes better to not tell them (or other ones who doubts) about every minor problem you are facing in your relationship or involve them too much. Itīs more difficult with children and exes..it tends to take longer time for them to accept new relationships, no matter who the new partner is.
Anna, your posting was so so funny,I am still laughing about it.. you are the lucky one because you are not "fighting the battle" alone,you can always get support from your sister. My parents are ok now and they want to see me and my kids sometimes so they behave wellWe live far from them (different country) and other relatives so I mostly have to deal with co-workers and other people that doesnīt know me well, my friends donīt give me any comments or advice because they know how stubborn I am they also know that I will manage no matter what.
Remember, the life is very short and then is better to live it the way you want, not to regret later on. You never have any quaranty in any relationship. If it works is great but if it doesnīt itīs not the end of the world...You just wonīt know if you donīt give it a try.
|
|
|
|
molly75
United Kingdom
86 Posts |
Posted - 08 May 2007 : 12:04:47
|
Inez i would love to live in the Gambia for a longer period, but it would mean giving up my job in the UK and how would i live in the Gambia, as i think it is very difficult to get a job?
As for our relationship working in the UK, then i think it probably could, but as you said it may be made difficult by the opinions of others. Im also worried that living in the UK would change him. I've met gambians who now live in the UK and who forget about their religion, start to drink alcohol and get greedy! |
|
|
|
inez
279 Posts |
Posted - 08 May 2007 : 12:05:08
|
quote:
Originally posted by toubab1020
Santanfara,you are a very brave man posting here,me? I am not sa brave staying right out,remember, Men are from Mars women are from Venus!!!!!
Donīt be so shy nowand donīt try to scare Santanfara away from this topic. Molly was not only asking women...we need to hear how marsians think, then it will be a lot easier to deal with relationships |
|
|
|
Topic |
|
|
|
| Bantaba in Cyberspace |
© 2005-2024 Nijii |
|
|
|
Topic Locked
