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Alhassan
Sweden
813 Posts |
 Posted - 29 Aug 2006 : 15:15:51
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quote:
Originally posted by Babylon
Alhassan, you being an african, can you tell me wether it is accepted in the Gambia (by people in general) that a man marries a woman who is 20-40 years older?
What are the opinions?
My man, who is a muslim from Ivory Coast, thinks it´s nasty and that most people would think so. Even 10 years is a big age difference, although i know that in Islam it is allowed for a man to marry a woman who is max. 15 years older.
Babylon,
When Gambia is concerned, I have not seen this between Gambians in the Gambia. It is more common to see an older husband that wife. I dont think even that Gambians would marry wives fromn Gambia if they are as old as their mothers or grandmothers. This is done because of economic reasons for mosst of the time. The older women at home do not consider themselves attractive for the younger ones. Or the parents would protest. It is true that normaly Gambian wives are not older than their husbands. That is done here in the diaspora for economic reasons. The ones I have seen yet have been broken as soon as the guy gets his papers or end up in jail. There are many of these examples in Stockholm. WE the Gambians know about this but never discuss it. I am some how different because of my views. I am not as popular among them because telling them the fact means that you are jelious of them. It is not easy to convince some of them here because they do not understand the society. Even those who just read here from Stockholm would not feel good about what we discuss about them. But I just can't give up. I am happy that there are Gambians on the Bantaba who thinks similary. Truely speaking, Gambians would prefer you support them when on the wrong track than to correct them.I am sorry Gambians, but this is a real truth.Where you people there when the extrimist attacked people celibrating Ivory Cost independance day?
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toubab1020
12314 Posts |
Posted - 29 Aug 2006 : 15:19:47
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quote:
Originally posted by gambiabev
Babylon, who decided it was morally wrong? If two people love each other I dont see anything wrong in that!
But Kon I agree with you. Leokat will have a very hard road to follow if she decides to marry this man. Perhaps it is best to walk away?
I am 46. I would find it very hard to accept that a man under, say 35, could truely love me. As a Westerner Leokat needs to be aware that Gambians concept of love tends to be more pragmatic that your Western romantic view. I am very septical and would be convinced that the man justed wanted a visa and would run away once he got to the UK!!!
I have met some lovely Gambian men, some of whom I have REALLY fancied and they have been very nice to me. BUT from that to MARRIAGE is a very big step. I am always suprised by womens lack of caution! Every year I meet women who have married younger Gambians. I hope it works for them, but one thing is sure, it is NOT an easy route to take.
For a marriage to a Gambian to work I think you need to get on VERY well with the family and like compound life. It is not enough to stay in the hotel! Also children is a BIG issue. You need to be able to give the man children IF he doesnt already have any children. Then there is Islam/Muslim culture. You need to be fully aware of womens role in Islam and be able to accept that.Finally you need to think about what your man will do if he comes to the UK. Is he employable?
My advice would be to take extended holidays in the Gambia and take things VERY slowly. If you intend to spend the rest of your life together.....what's the rush??!!
My main concern is for your family in UK. If you have children and parents what are there views? Your existing children should be your priority over ANY man. Men come and go, your children and parents are yours unconditionally.
Also financially you need to think about your children's future needs and make sure that is protected from any man coming into your life.
So sorry if this has turned into a lecture!!! I suppose it depends on your personality. Are you sensible and cautious or are you reckless?!
I am sensible. Perhaps too sensible at times. When I was in a similar situation I walked away and told him to get a Gambian girlfriend who could give him children. Other people would say life is very short , go for it and have some hapiness whilst you can!!
I totally agree,a very sensible contribution.
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"Simple is good" & I strongly dislike politics. You cannot defend the indefensible.
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leokat
United Kingdom
123 Posts |
Posted - 29 Aug 2006 : 15:44:15
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I don't think you're mad Kondorong. 
I appreciate all the various views that have been posted here.
To be honest I was almost afraid to look and see what had been written fearing I'd be 'flamed' for my situation. As it is everything I've read so far has been very constructive and has given me the 'food for thought' I need right now.
Three things I have taken to heart are:
1. The need to act with some speed (but I think not too much haste).
2. The need to consider the effects on myself if my young man were to stray.
3. The possible effects on my daughter - she is old enough not to be a major consideration in this but her needs must be taken into account I know.
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Edited by - leokat on 29 Aug 2006 16:16:41 |
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Babylon
Sweden
691 Posts |
Posted - 29 Aug 2006 : 15:48:46
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quote:
Originally posted by Alhassan
Where you people there when the extrimist attacked people celibrating Ivory Cost independance day?
No, luckily we were not. I didn´t even know that there was an attack. Var, i Stockholm eller?
Nollkoll som vanligt...
By the way Alhassan, keep on keepin it real. Although people usually don´t like truthtellers, there are some of us who do. |
Edited by - Babylon on 29 Aug 2006 15:52:31 |
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leokat
United Kingdom
123 Posts |
Posted - 29 Aug 2006 : 15:48:56
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| Thank you everyone. I am still in the process of reading and digesting all that's been written but appreciate all I've read so far. |
Edited by - leokat on 29 Aug 2006 16:14:12 |
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Alhassan
Sweden
813 Posts |
Posted - 29 Aug 2006 : 15:51:55
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quote:
Originally posted by Babylon
[quote]Originally posted by Alhassan
Where you people there when the extrimist attacked people celibrating Ivory Cost independance day?
No, luckily we were not. I didn´t even know that there was an attack. Var, i Stockholm eller?
Nollkoll som vanligt...
Babylon,
Jag tror att det var någonstans i Sollentuna eller så. Det hände på norra sidan av stan. Det var på nyheterna
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Edited by - Alhassan on 29 Aug 2006 15:53:13 |
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leokat
United Kingdom
123 Posts |
Posted - 29 Aug 2006 : 15:58:03
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Anna,
your scenario (take things slowly, let the relationship build naturally) is how I envisioned things would develop with my young man and I. However, his family presenting him with a potential bride does seem to have put pressure on us.
It may be that I am overreacting and nothing needs to be done in haste. However, I think the situation has forced us into a position where we have to think more seriously about our long term future than we might otherwise have done at this stage in our relationship. |
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leokat
United Kingdom
123 Posts |
Posted - 29 Aug 2006 : 16:01:24
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| Haha kodorong (sp) I AM a social worker and believe me it doesn't help much! |
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leokat
United Kingdom
123 Posts |
Posted - 29 Aug 2006 : 16:11:42
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[quote]Originally posted by Babylon
Leokat, can your young lover consider to live with you in the Gambia instead of Europe?
Or is his main goal to get out of Gambia?
He's suggested that. Also, the place he moved into a few months ago was chosen with a view to me spending at least some time there.
As for living in The Gambis full time I have health issues and my daughter's needs to consider. |
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Babylon
Sweden
691 Posts |
Posted - 29 Aug 2006 : 16:12:06
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quote:
Originally posted by Alhassan
Babylon,
Jag tror att det var någonstans i Sollentuna eller så. Det hände på norra sidan av stan. Det var på nyheterna
Ok, that was sad news. People who have fled from racism and discrimination in their own country get the same treatment here. It really makes me sad and angry. |
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toubab1020
12314 Posts |
Posted - 29 Aug 2006 : 16:20:23
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quote:
Originally posted by leokat
Haha kodorong (sp) I AM a social worker and believe me it doesn't help much!
Opps, put my foot in it there!!, sorry. |
"Simple is good" & I strongly dislike politics. You cannot defend the indefensible.
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leokat
United Kingdom
123 Posts |
Posted - 29 Aug 2006 : 16:23:23
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quote:
Originally posted by gambiabev
Babylon, who decided it was morally wrong? If two people love each other I dont see anything wrong in that!
But Kon I agree with you. Leokat will have a very hard road to follow if she decides to marry this man. Perhaps it is best to walk away?
I am 46. I would find it very hard to accept that a man under, say 35, could truely love me. As a Westerner Leokat needs to be aware that Gambians concept of love tends to be more pragmatic that your Western romantic view. I am very septical and would be convinced that the man justed wanted a visa and would run away once he got to the UK!!!
I have met some lovely Gambian men, some of whom I have REALLY fancied and they have been very nice to me. BUT from that to MARRIAGE is a very big step. I am always suprised by womens lack of caution! Every year I meet women who have married younger Gambians. I hope it works for them, but one thing is sure, it is NOT an easy route to take.
For a marriage to a Gambian to work I think you need to get on VERY well with the family and like compound life. It is not enough to stay in the hotel! Also children is a BIG issue. You need to be able to give the man children IF he doesnt already have any children. Then there is Islam/Muslim culture. You need to be fully aware of womens role in Islam and be able to accept that.Finally you need to think about what your man will do if he comes to the UK. Is he employable?
My advice would be to take extended holidays in the Gambia and take things VERY slowly. If you intend to spend the rest of your life together.....what's the rush??!!
My main concern is for your family in UK. If you have children and parents what are there views? Your existing children should be your priority over ANY man. Men come and go, your children and parents are yours unconditionally.
Also financially you need to think about your children's future needs and make sure that is protected from any man coming into your life.
So sorry if this has turned into a lecture!!! I suppose it depends on your personality. Are you sensible and cautious or are you reckless?!
I am sensible. Perhaps too sensible at times. When I was in a similar situation I walked away and told him to get a Gambian girlfriend who could give him children. Other people would say life is very short , go for it and have some hapiness whilst you can!!
Thank you gambibev a very clear and measured reply (maybe not what I wanted to hear but what I NEEDED to hear). |
Edited by - leokat on 29 Aug 2006 16:29:44 |
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leokat
United Kingdom
123 Posts |
Posted - 29 Aug 2006 : 16:35:42
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quote:
Originally posted by anna
Leokat, if i understand you correctly you have met this man in January and since then you two have been in contact through email, letter or maybe phone. Do you really feel that now you know him at all well??
The way you talk about this, gives me the feeling that you feel responsible for his happiness (for the rest of your lives?). Don't forget that there's your own happiness to consider as well. Be careful, it could be that now you will take too big steps to 'save' him, steps that you might later regret and you might even hold it against him.
Don't get me wrong, i understand and recognize the situation you are talking about. I live with a Gambian man 16 years younger than i am. Now this is hard for some people, even 'best friends', to grasp (if you want to know how people think about this, read Eve's posting elsewhere in this General Forum). You have to count on heartless comments from unexpected sides. Before we finally decided (together) that he would come and live me with me in Europe, i went to the Gambia many times and i took unpaid leave from my work to be with him there for longer periods of time - not living in hotels, but living 'local'. Last year he lived with me in Holland for two months on a tourist visa to see if he could be happy here and to see for himself that i had to work hard to keep my head above water. Only after that period we decided that both of us were convinced we could live together in my small apartment and on my small salary (because it will take time and a lot of paperwork and even a lot of money for visa etc. before your man can make a living in any European country), and only after that i had lenghty and difficult talks with my (adult) children who were not at all happy (to put it mildly) with this turn in my life.
Now, after he has been here for about 6 months, we can say that things are slowly, very slowly getting better, that everyone is getting used to everyone and that my Gambian man is settling in. I met him in 2002 and it has been a long, hard road.
But i don't even think it has to do with a European/Gambian relationship - don't you agree that to get into a serious relationship you need to take time and careful consideration? I myself would not like to be forced to take such important decisions because of 'circumstances'.
Furthermore, i think Kondorong was right when he said the need for a child might one day make your man to leave you. My man has a child from a former relationship in the Gambia, i know not having a child would be unbearable for him.
Leokat, take your time and try not to let your heart rule your head (at least not all the time).
Thank you Anna 
I am taking all you said on board. I do feel that if my yung man and I refuse to be pushed into a corner, take our time, and talk things through then the situation may not be as hopeless as I feared.
I am planning to go and see my boyfriend very soon and stay in an apartment with him rather than in an hotel. Hopefully we'll be able to work through some of the issues an look at our long term options. |
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kayjatta
2978 Posts |
Posted - 29 Aug 2006 : 19:22:45
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LEOKAT:
I understand your ambivalency. You seem emotionally involved and trapped.This has happened to many before you.
You are dealing with an adult who knows how to take care of himself. If you think you are not gonna be happy with him or he is not gonna be happy with you there is no point entangling yourself in something that will hurt you eventually.
If you decide to end your relationship with the young lover , all you need to do is tell him so (and probably explain), and whatever he decides to do after that is his choice. You should not be guilty about that.You are not responsible for other people's choices, that is if you are not already blinded by that emotion called LOVE.
Good luck. |
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twinkly
United Kingdom
190 Posts |
Posted - 30 Aug 2006 : 10:26:36
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Babylon you make me laughYou carefully split out what most of us are thinking.
Gambiabev, i have great respect for your clear thoughts on this matter
Leokat
These people on the beach, Senegambia area, do you really think that you are the only one when one boy comes to try his luck?
After a short time you leave the country and you expect him to wait only for you? He will try his luck with the next stupid woman, after all, she'll leave soon aswell and he has to leave his impressions on her, the more opportunities he has the more chance of one fish actually snatching the hook.
And his family has already plans for him?Obviously they don't agree with this agegap, and you might never be welcome in their compound and accepted by his family.Why would he not take you home to his familycompound but wants to stay somewhere else with you?
Sorry, don't mean to sound pesimistic but I don't agree with or trust these realtionships.Life is not all about fun.....
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