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jambo
3300 Posts |
 Posted - 30 Aug 2006 : 15:33:28
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leokat, think twice what you are doing, classic syndromoe it is called boredom. If you can spend a long time there, at least three months, you will see something of life. do not listen to one side of the story. do buy anything in his name, for tax purposes this is a favourite story. Get legal advise. Set up house in gambia, educate him there there are enough schools. My friend is doing this with her boyfriend and he is happy.
But open your eyes and ears. If it goes wrong you will be left with egg on your face. DO NOT PART WITH MONEY FOR A BUSINESS OR COMPOUND. members of the bantaba will tell you many storyies of families who do not understand me.
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leokat
United Kingdom
123 Posts |
Posted - 30 Aug 2006 : 17:03:09
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quote:
[i] The way you talk about this, gives me the feeling that you feel responsible for his happiness (for the rest of your lives?). Don't forget that there's your own happiness to consider as well. Be careful, it could be that now you will take too big steps to 'save' him, steps that you might later regret and you might even hold it against him.
Anna I have been giving an awful lot of thought to what you have to say about my feelings of responsibility.
Yes you're correct I do feel responsible for my young man's happiness, though saying I feel responsible for him for the rest of his life would be overstating things.
This I think was initially borne out if a sense of guilt for having succombed to the charms of a much younger man (despite the fact that I wasn't the one making the running). Added to that is a feeling that I, as an older more experience woman with greater knowledge of the wider world, ought to be the one taking the responsibility.
Finally, I have also come to the conclusion that maybe some form of inverted racism on my part fuels my sense of responsibility. By this I mean that I am aware of the past impact of slavery and colonialism and feel guilty, as a white European, that such acts were carried out by my people. Also, I am aware that current western economic and political practices, coupled with the promotion of material aquisition as the panacae to all ills, is often what motivates young Africans to seek a passage to the west.
None of the above alters the fact that my feelings towards my young man are totally genuine. It just means that rather than do what I want, I feel I have consider the consequences on him.
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leokat
United Kingdom
123 Posts |
Posted - 30 Aug 2006 : 17:42:32
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quote:
Originally posted by twinkly
Babylon you make me laugh You carefully split out what most of us are thinking.
Gambiabev, i have great respect for your clear thoughts on this matter
Leokat
These people on the beach, Senegambia area, do you really think that you are the only one when one boy comes to try his luck?
After a short time you leave the country and you expect him to wait only for you? He will try his luck with the next stupid woman, after all, she'll leave soon aswell and he has to leave his impressions on her, the more opportunities he has the more chance of one fish actually snatching the hook.
And his family has already plans for him?Obviously they don't agree with this agegap, and you might never be welcome in their compound and accepted by his family.Why would he not take you home to his familycompound but wants to stay somewhere else with you?
Sorry, don't mean to sound pesimistic but I don't agree with or trust these realtionships.Life is not all about fun.....
Twinkly,
I am not naive. I know perfectly well that I am not the only toubab my young man has made advances to. He told me quite clearly before we got together that he had had other 'girlfriends on the beach.' I never expected to be more than any of the others to him. However, what neither he nor I could have comprehended is how much we would come to discover we have in common and how close we'd become.
My man knows I have no money, do not own my own home, or have any other material assets. He says he knew this from the first. As he put it 'I am no fool. I see you do not wear an expensive watch or jewellery. But I see you are a woman with a good heart and I like you.' OK so maybe this is the line he spins to every woman he tries to pick up. I cannot know for sure and have to rely on the trust between us, but then who of us really knows another. All I can say for sure is that every single time I've doubted him in any way I've been proved wrong.
He does not 'hang around the beach' in Senagambia - or anywhere else for that matter. He has two businesses and works hard. Coupled with this he spends hours texting and writing to me so, if there are other women (and I honestly believe there are not) I would suggest they get little of his attention.
Of course if I do choose to walk away from our relationship (or he ends it) he'll maybe try his luck with another toubab. I don't expect him never to have another relationship again. Who's to say I won't take up with another Gambian. Who knows what lies in the future.
I am not going to stay in his compound because he lives away from the tourist areas. I have not yet been introduced to his mother (but will be on my next visit).
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Formby
United Kingdom
246 Posts |
Posted - 30 Aug 2006 : 20:25:25
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| Is it primarily that you feel maternally responsible for his welfare, or is it love and he makes you feel like you're floating on air? |
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jambo
3300 Posts |
Posted - 30 Aug 2006 : 20:45:03
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think on this, who says it is the money he wants. Could be a visa to the uk.
My man knows I have no money, do not own my own home, or have any other material assets. He says he knew this from the first. As he put it 'I am no fool. I see you do not wear an expensive watch or jewellery. But I see you are a woman with a good heart and I like you.' OK so maybe this is the line he spins to every woman he tries to pick up.
I cannot know for sure and have to rely on the trust between us, but then who of us really knows another. All I can say for sure is that every single time I've doubted him in any way I've been proved wrong.
he has two business, are they his. just a few things to ask, secondly everything is one sided he is telling you things but there is no proof. Trust is out of the window.
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kondorong
Gambia
4380 Posts |
Posted - 30 Aug 2006 : 20:48:50
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| jambo you are becoming too personal. What do you mean by "trust is out of the window"? |
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Formby
United Kingdom
246 Posts |
Posted - 30 Aug 2006 : 21:01:42
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| There is the option of to just marry him and take the chances. Blimey this is life!! So what if it all goes pear shaped. Can you handle that if there are a bunch of good times along the way? It's an important question to ask yourself. |
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jambo
3300 Posts |
Posted - 31 Aug 2006 : 20:12:40
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Kons, what i mean is this, everything is mixed up, is there trust, you have to build on a relationship. sorry but I sense something is missing,
it just seems to "cute", i am being cynical but if there is a lady that he is meant to marry, what happens when he does not amrry her and stays with leokat.
To me that would mean a betrayal of trust.
I a might be reading too much between the lines, but go back to the beginning postings.
formby you are right what happened to just getting on with it, but it is Leokat who asks for opionion. most people have not said DON'T BUT TO BE CAUTIOUS.
EVEN leokat had read "I’d also read a bit about the young man/older woman relationships that develop and was determined that would never happen to me"
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Sister Omega
United Kingdom
2085 Posts |
Posted - 31 Aug 2006 : 21:28:00
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Hi Leokat,
These guys are on the beach everyday. They are professional at doing what they do because they've learnt their trade from the masters who have made it across the great pond to Europe and the US already. I'm not saying there aren't any genuine ones but are ready to gamble?
Peace
Sister Omega |
Peace
Sister Omega |
Edited by - Sister Omega on 31 Aug 2006 21:28:45 |
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 31 Aug 2006 : 21:43:21
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| Sister, thats it.....its a big gamble. |
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anna
Netherlands
730 Posts |
Posted - 31 Aug 2006 : 22:34:19
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I think you can say that about any relationship, doesn't matter white/white, black/white, black/black, whether there is an agegap or not. I was married for 17 years to my children's father (white, 8 years older than me, well educated), my parents divorced after 44 years of marriage!
I don't know if Leokat is contemplating marriage (i would say NO, PLEASE DON'T DO THAT), but if she wants to give the relationship a chance it is very important that she spends as much time as she can in the Gambia, observing her new friend in all kinds of circumstances. What is his place in his family, how is he treated by them, what are his friends like etc.
By the way, i don't think she mentioned meeting him on the beach - he was just there suddenly with his friend to 'make up the number' when they were having dinner.
Even though, i think feeling guilty about what her ancestors did to his is a very strange reason to go on with this relationship. In my opinion she has no obligation to him whatsoever. The only obligation she has is to herself and to her child(ren) - but that goes without saying. |
When an old African dies, it is as if a whole library has burnt down.
Amadou Hampate Ba (Mali) |
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Sister Omega
United Kingdom
2085 Posts |
Posted - 01 Sep 2006 : 10:55:43
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Anna thanks for the correction the guy works in the Tourist industry. Therefore it is common knowledge amongst the local community, industry that tourists are easy prey in this ecomonic shut door policy to African Economic migrants. This of course is unfair to those genuine couples in relationships or families wanting to visit relatives in the West. Nevertheleaa this is a reality whether one wants to face it or not.
Peace
Sister Omega
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Peace
Sister Omega |
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jambo
3300 Posts |
Posted - 01 Sep 2006 : 18:45:49
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i agree with you Anna, the guilt is what sounded off to me.
but he mentioned a mrriage, if i met someone and they mentioned a marriage i would stay away out of respect for the other person.
something is not right her and I think Leokat is doing some kind of opinion poll. |
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leokat
United Kingdom
123 Posts |
Posted - 04 Sep 2006 : 19:18:21
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quote:
Originally posted by jambo
i agree with you Anna, the guilt is what sounded off to me.
but he mentioned a mrriage, if i met someone and they mentioned a marriage i would stay away out of respect for the other person.
something is not right her and I think Leokat is doing some kind of opinion poll.
Nope not an oppinion poll. I assure you that the situation as I set it out is what is actually happening to me.
I understand why what I say might appear to have an 'off' feel about it but I assure you it comes from the heart.
As for the guilt, I don't believe I am the only white Europan who carries a feeling of guilt for certain racist and Eurocentric practices that have been, and continue to be, carried out in the name of myself and my people. Also, I would argue that if other white middle aged (and older) women with younger black boyfriends (the type that have been discussed in other threads here) thought more closely about their motivations and those of their young men then maybe there would be less dissilusionment. It is hard not to feel a degree of guilt when you read about women who visit places such as The Gambia simply to have sex with black men. O.K. so I KNOW that was not my motivation but I still feel guilty that I succombed to the charms of a young attractive Gambian.
He says he only mentioned the proposed marriage because he wanted to tell me all about a trip to see his extended family. However, my reaction was exactly as you say yours would have been and I immediately told him I'd happily back off. I followed this with a letter explaining the reasons why I feel he ought to consider his family's suggestion. It was then that he started talking about doing whatever it took (get out on one of the infamous boats to The Canaries)to come and see me.
As things stand now He's been back to visit the family but still feels that he does not want anything to do with their proposal. I am going out to visit him really soon and it is my intention to tell him that I really do not believe we have a future. My reasons for this are firstly that I wouldn't be able to give him a family and secondly, that I am not really in a finalcial position to make regular trips to The Gambia to visit him. Nor could I afford to bring him to England and support him. Maybe these things would be surmountable if I truly believe he would be happy here or I could cope with a long distance relationship. I do not.
Thank you everyone you really helped to clear my mind. I guess it only remains to be seen whether I carry through my intentions. |
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jambo
3300 Posts |
Posted - 05 Sep 2006 : 09:51:20
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Leokat, perhaps you could help pay for a training course of something, at least you would be giving something back, if you still have a guilt feeling.
Some of the courses are okay and should not cost more than 100.oo english pounds for one year 10 pounds a month. It is not much but it would be a help.
I am sure you have looked back and thought, what happened did cupid fire an arrow.
Your intentions were to have a break away in the sunshine with your daughter and relax. anything else you can walk away from. |
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