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Originally posted by leokat

UPDATE

I've recently returned from just over two weeks in The Gambia trying to sort things out (and it looks like you've all been pretty productive in my absence).

I had a wonderful time but whoever it was who mentioned the need to get to grips with boredom hit the nail right on the head. (I live a pretty sedentary life at home but nothing could have prepared me for the mind numbing boredom of day to day compound living). However, it was wonderful to be able to see the country as few tourists ever do. Despite being bitten by mosquitos, and being wet (from the rain or sweat) for my entire visit, I love the country more than before.

I didn't stay in my boyfriend's compound as the bedroom of his hut had been damaged by the rains, leaving him to sleep on a mat on the floor of his living room. However, I did visit and meet his mum, sister, brother, and various other young relations. His mother does not speak English so communication was difficult, and carried out through his sister. The mother was welcoming and charming but, I felt, less than thrilled by her son's choice of partner. his sister and brother were friendly and charmng (though I am aware that this could be because they see my relationship with their brother as having possible benefits for them).

I was shocked at the level of poverty my boyfriend and his family live in. Whilst, as I have already said, he has two businesses one only operates during the tourist season and the other is not lucrative enough to provide for all the mouths that need feeding. Despite this I was never asked for anything and his mother fed me daily, either at her home or by sending food round to the lodge where her son and I were staying. In addition, my boyfriend's friends all saw to it that I was fed whenever I visited them.

My boyfriend told me, and I have no reason to doubt him, that I am the first woman he has ever spent the night with. Being with him out of season allowed me to see another side to his personality. He seemed less cosmopolitan and more Gambian. He doesn't drink (tried it once - didn't like it), prays several times daily, and takes his role as the head of his family (his father is dead and he is the oldest son) very seriously. I really do not believe that he has any other girlfriend at present.

I asked him how he could sleep with me knowing that it is wrong according to his religion. His answer is that he has considered himself married to me from the first night we spent together and that it is my problem if I will not agree to make it official. He asked me to move to The Gambia and live with him but I have commitments in England that make this impossible.

He readily admitted that part of the attraction of my visit was that he could live in relative luxury for a couple of weeks (though by my standards the lodge was very basic). He also said that he found the fact that I had money to pay for meals out and taxis etc and he did not difficult. He agreed that if the world were not as it is then maybe we'd never have got together. However, we did enjoy each other's company. We share a sense of humour and way of seeing the world (which is at odds with his family's view). We like the same kind of music, nature, films, food etc.

For all of the above i did look at all the beautiful younger Gambian women and wonder why he is not with one of them. Listening to a conversation he was having with a friend one night I discovered that both like European women because they come as a single unit. As his friend put it: "Marry a Gambian woman and you marry her mother, her sister, her aunt, her neice - anybody can just turn up at your compound and demand to be looked after." Daunting for someone who already has to keep his own mother, sister, and brothers.

I am now sure that my (very limited) assistance is part of the attraction my boyfriend feels for me. However, people have had marriages of advantage throughout history. From beggar to king people have sought to better themselves by 'marrying up'. Maybe I am even ready to admit that, as I bought stores for his family, two gifts for him and partially kept my boyfriend for a fortnight, this perhaps amounts to prostitution. I do not feel good about this.

However, I do love my boyfriend and sincerely believe he feels something for me. Despite this I do not feel that our relationship can continue.I do not see any way we can be together and I do not have the money to visit him regularly. Also, I mentioned the issue of children with him and though he said that was not a top prority he seemed 'bothered' by the fact that i no longer believe i can have children (this is medical rather then age related btw).

As I have left it I have told my boyfriend that I will not be returning to The Gambia again (it would be difficult for a while as I have promised to visit Asia with my daughter and do not have funds for both). for me it would be easier to completely cut off from him but he still texts me every day. Maybe a true test of how much I really care will be if I can continue to be a friend, offering assisitance where possible, without expecting anything in return.

I do worry that now he has been with me my boyfriend will find it easier to chance his arm with the new crop of female tourists who will be arriving in the next few weeks. Given all that has been written about sex tourism recently i worry that he will be vulnerable to exploitation. Although he is in his late twenties and was no virgin when we met, I am sure he is no match for a hard bitten female sex tourist.

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